Letting go of the shit we wish never happened
There are things in life we wish never happened.
I’m not talking about the everyday stressors that test our patience. I mean the gut-wrenchingly chaotic clusterfucks where the earth feels like it's been ripped out from under us and we reacted by losing our shit.
Then, when the chaos passes, we look back wishing we’d handled ourselves differently, been more aware, more grounded, and more compassionate.
When old patterns resurface
I recently had another one of those moments, and it nearly brought me undone.
Considering how far I’d come with my healing and growth, how much I’d learnt about handling these moments, I lost myself in another trigger. And I nearly broke. I couldn’t believe that I fell back into the same old pattern.
I've been doing so well. Learning to feel my emotions instead of shutting them down.
Why this hit so hard
A bit of context for those who may not know, I spent most of my life surviving (from the impacts of heteronormativity, internalised homophobia, complex trauma and a whole mess of other pain), by dissociating from my emotions. While I could see and feel what others were feeling, and guide them through their emotions, I’d only had an intellectual relationship with my emotions. Learning to actually connect with and feel what I was feeling is a skill I only started learning later in life, when I was in my 40s.
I’m a few years into my emotional apprenticeship and I thought I had finally turned a corner. I’m finally learning how to process and metabolise my emotions so that I can stay afloat and not drown in them. And I thought the days of severe meltdowns were behind me. But then, there I was, sitting motionless on the couch, my stomach twisted in knots, my heart pounding, my mind a battlefield of regret.
It started with a misunderstanding with my beautiful partner. Without either of us realising, something in her behaviour brushed some old, deep, raw wounds from childhood neglect. In an instant, my terrified inner child took over and a tidal wave of terror surged forward, crashing through every cell in my body. Abandonment. Isolation. The unbearable fear that I was still alone in this world without the support I desperately needed.
And in that place, that deep, suffocating fear, fight mode kicked into gear. I lashed out, screaming to be seen and heard.
Making sure shame and regret don’t to take hold
As it always does, the trigger subsided and began to ebb away. That’s when the shame storm rolled in.
I wasn’t regretting how I felt. My feelings were real. Valid. But the way I expressed them? That was the part that haunted me. I wanted to rewind time. To go back and be the version of myself that could have stayed grounded. The one who could have spoken from a place of compassion rather than fear.
I sat there replaying every word, every expression, every moment… all the shoulda, coulda, woulda thoughts flooded my brain clouding my perspective, almost preventing me from seeing and thinking clearly.
In the past, I’d lose myself in an internal barrage of self-loathing wishing I could ‘undo’ my behaviour.
I acted like if I punished myself enough, if I replayed the moment enough times in my head, maybe somehow, I could undo the impact and change the outcome.
But I couldn’t. No one can. History has already happened and the memory has already been created. And berating ourselves for not knowing better at the time does nothing but ingrain pain and limit us from being our best selves.
We aren’t the villain we think we are!
Thankfully, the healing and growth I have done meant that a part of me could still see clearly and knew what was happening. I realised that regret was taking hold, trapping me in an endless loop of hyper self-critical if onlys.
The healed me knows that staying in that loop of criticism and regret won’t change anything.
It’s not nice. It’s not helpful. It doesn’t help me resolve a thing.
I knew I had to get myself out of this loop.
But how?
Using compassionate and curious reflection to find forgiveness and healing
We can’t rewrite history, but we can shift how we relate to the memory. The shift happens when we stop looking at our past through a lens of shame and start looking at it with compassion and curiosity.
When I began working with my childhood fear a few years ago, I learnt that I needed to change the way I reflected on the situation. I needed to be compassionate and curious about who I am as a person.
I needed to remind myself that I am a human who is living with the ongoing effects of so much trauma, who wants to change how I show up in this world.
I needed to acknowledge that childhood fears had hijacked my ability to respond.
And then I needed to be curious, understand what the fear was trying to say and understand the unmet needs that were driving me to react the way I did.
Working with my triggers in this way has helped me start to shift the fear. It’s not been an overnight transformation, and it definitely hasn’t been smooth sailing. And now, each time I experience a trigger, I recognise it a little sooner. Sometimes, I can catch it before it takes hold, guiding myself through it. Other times, I get swept up in the reaction, but I’m able to re-ground and regulate my nervous system much faster. Not long ago, a trigger like this would have destabilised me for weeks. Now, I can find my calm within moments for small triggers and within hours for the big ones.
My goal now isn’t wishing I could undo what has happened, it’s to learn how to take care of myself and the people around me.
Instead of berating myself into oblivion, I ask myself:
What actually happened? Not the story I’ve built around it, but the facts.
What was the catalyst for my reaction?
What was I thinking and feeling at that moment?
What state did my body go into? Did I freeze? Did I lash out? Did I shut down?
What does that tell me about what I needed at the time?
What would I do differently if I had another chance?
And most importantly:
How can I recognise and manage the signs before I spiral next time?
Because that’s the real work. Not wishing the past was different, but learning from it in a way that lets us show up differently in the future - the way we know is true to who we are.
Acknowledging the privilege of choice
The personal agency I’ve been able to enact in this situation is empowering. And, it’s crucial that I acknowledge that not everyone has the same freedom to act on their needs. Some people, such as those in abusive relationships, financially dependent situations, or systemic oppression, may not have easy or immediate choices.
In these cases, prioritising safety becomes the first step. The question shifts from “What do I need?” to “How can I create enough stability to eventually meet my needs?”
Support networks, professional help, and incremental steps become critical. A list of professional help services is available at the end of this article.
Releasing the Past, Reclaiming Ourselves
If you’re carrying regret, if you’re stuck replaying a moment you can’t undo, I want you to know your nervous system did exactly what it was designed to do, to keep you safe. It did the best it could with the awareness and resources you had at the time. And, with greater awareness about what you need to stay regulated, you can approach similar situations differently next time. Not from a place of punishment. Not from a place of shame. But from a place of deep self-compassion, the kind that allows you to leave the past behind and move forward.
And maybe, just maybe, find peace in the process.
We deserve to find that peace! And it is something we can create for ourselves.
Healing isn’t linear. We will mess up. We will fall into old patterns. But every time we get back up, every time we pause and reflect instead of drowning in self-hatred, we are breaking the cycle. And that? That is how we move forward.
From reaction to choosing our response
We can’t go back and change how we reacted in the past. What we can do is choose how we move forward. Instead of punishing ourselves for getting caught in the spiral, acknowledge the trigger, reflect on what led us to be triggered, and use it as fuel for growth.
The real work isn’t about never getting triggered, it’s about shortening the time between reaction and awareness. It’s about recognising when we are losing ourselves in old patterns and choosing, moment by moment, to respond differently.
So, ask yourself:
Where may you be expecting others to know and meet your needs before you do?
How can you tune into what your needs, wants, and desires are?
How can you communicate your needs, wants, desires with clarity instead of fear?
How can you offer yourself compassion and grace to learn from the moments where we lose our shit?
Healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about learning, unlearning, and giving ourselves permission to be human. And in that, there is so much power.
Support services available in Australia
If you are in Australia and are living with a mental health condition or in an abusive relationship, here are some of the key support services available:
Mental Health Support Services
13YARN (13 92 76) – A 24/7 crisis support service for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people.
WellMob (www.wellmob.org.au) – Online resources focusing on social and emotional well-being for Indigenous communities.
Yarning SafeNStrong (1800 959 563) – Confidential support for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people dealing with stress, trauma, or alcohol and drug issues.
QLife (1800 184 527) – Support for LGBTQIA+ individuals struggling with mental health or identity-related challenges.
Lifeline (13 11 14) – 24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention services.
Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) – Support for anxiety, depression, and mental health challenges, with online chat and forums.
Headspace (1800 650 890) – Free mental health support for young people aged 12-25.
SANE Australia (1800 187 263) – Support for complex mental health issues, including peer support and counselling.
Domestic & Family Violence Support Services
Djirra (1800 105 303) – Culturally safe legal and practical support for Aboriginal women experiencing family violence (Victoria).
Aboriginal Family Domestic Violence Hotline (1800 019 123) – 24/7 support for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people experiencing family violence (New South Wales).
Family Violence Prevention Legal Services (www.nationalfvpls.org) – Legal and social support services for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people impacted by family violence.
1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) – 24/7 national sexual assault, domestic, and family violence counselling service.
Safe Steps (1800 015 188) – Crisis support and accommodation for women and children experiencing family violence (Victoria).
DVConnect (1800 811 811 – Women’s Line / 1800 600 636 – Men’s Line) – Support, crisis accommodation, and emergency assistance (Queensland).
Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline (1800 007 339) – Support for women experiencing family and domestic violence (Western Australia).
No to Violence (1300 766 491) – Support for men who use violence and want to change their behaviour.